Hello! Long time, no see, Darlings.
I could tell you Everything from even before my last post, really the last two and a half years, every excruciating detail that has brought me to now, a Strange, New Thing typing this post, but…
your speculations are probably more spectacular than the truth.
And I’ve worked so hard to figure out where some big, bad things fit into my life, I don’t really want to rehash them all. My emotions might explode and get into your pretty hair.
So, I’ll sum up in a less aggressive way-bullet points!
- A very important person in my life made a terrible and uncharacteristic decision. It hurt so many people and cause him great guilt and regret, ultimately leading to his depression and suicide. The suicide happened before we could reconcile. I was 31 weeks pregnant during his funeral. It sucked a lot.
- After giving birth, I had postpartum depression. Again. It sucked a lot.
- I was in an unhealthy job situation that, in combination with the above, sucked a lot.
Two and a half years later, I think I may possibly be able to get back out in the world because of the next few bullet points.
- Strangely, forgiving him wasn’t the biggest issue for me. It was that I didn’t tell him I didn’t hate him as he assumed I did. I was just so. So. Sad. I have come to a “place” where I can forgive myself more every day and grieve properly with each allowance.
- I’ve been back on the medication that helps me deal with postpartum depression for a long while now. Actually, I believe I’m finally in a spot where I can try getting off of them again, which thrills me.
- I have a new, positive work environment and I like to go there, to be a part of the “team”. I didn’t know how bad the previous situation was until I experienced something different. I make less money, but can I just tell you Folks that quality of life is worth a million rubies?
So, I’m getting back on track. It actually started at the end of July 2016, but I was embarrassed to tell you all publicly. What if I wasn’t “fixed”? What if nobody told me I had crazy in my teeth? I’ve had a few months of pleasant days now, though, and I feel more…resolved, maybe? That might be the right word.
The next set of bullet points are things I’ve learned going through this mess:
- Forgive others.
- Forgive yourself.
- Experience your emotions. Don’t hide them away.
- Write it out to understand better.
- Keep hold of your joy.
- Live the best you can.
I’m feeling good about 2017. I truly hope you are, too.
Kanpai, Lovely People!
Mea Smith 